Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
