My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face