bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s