I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
