I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
