im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
