At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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