I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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