i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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