ugly people sure do ruin things
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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