You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think my moral compass just broke
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
