KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
