I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
