I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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