how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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