the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
