Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
