My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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