so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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