I smell stomach acid.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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