the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
