I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
