I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
