I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
