see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
