I think I am morally bankrupt
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
