based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
