I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
