Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When are your genitals available?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
