I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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