Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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