3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can text with my tongue
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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