connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You've changed since you got that strap on
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
