This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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