Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
