I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
