guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
