Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
