It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster