i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!