I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
