i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
