HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to calm my uterus...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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