Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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