I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He shit in the fireplace
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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