He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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