have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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