life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
