dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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