Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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