remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
