Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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