who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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