I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
