I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
