I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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