Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
