dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
