i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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